It’s really kind of complicated… (part 4 / final)

Posted by Earl on Apr 27, 2008

Read Part 1 here
Read Part 2 here
Read Part 3 here

So every sad story has to come to an end. In this one… If you’ve made it through parts 1, 2 and 3… and are still interested to know what happened next… well, I’ll sum it up as simple as possible.

I was so close to just taking my losses on this car, expecting everything to just fall apart. Instead, it got hit by a drunk driver while it was parked - denting the entire side of the car and taking off the driver side mirror. Now it was harder to get the money I needed for exchange. I drove it a few more months, its most stable months of ownership, until early 2008 when it was hit again while it was unoccupied. This time, it was a Tampa Police Officer who backed into my parked car. Major damage was done to the right rear tire, throwing off the alignment and damaging the wheels. Funny enough, Progressive Auto Insurance tried to give me my car back with a broken VW Key ($100), a dead battery (”Keep the car running for an hour or two, your battery died while in the shop”) and a damaged Shifter Boot ($250). They refused to fix any of it, but after major major major escalation, I managed to get them to fix the battery and the key. I couldn’t believe my own insurance company was giving me shit about things they broke in my own car!

The car went back into the shop, even after the cop hit me…. because now I needed new tires again. I’ll tell ya, driving this car less than 20,000 in my lifetime and putting more than 6 tires on the car due to ‘wear and tear’ really makes ya wonder. Anyhow… I decided that if I couldn’t get my money back, I may as well put money into it and get it up to par. November of 2008, I did just that. I spent nearly $2,000 on a tuneup, fixing O2 sensors, bush mounts, alignment, tires again, brakes, you name it… I even fixed the lining under the wheel well that may be causing abnormal wheel wear… I just wanted to be done with all the problems.

I wasn’t.

A day later, a raccoon jumped in front of my car, destroying the $100 I put into the wheel well lining. Then,less than 3 weeks after my mother had passed away, my timing belt went out at 69,000 miles on Christmas Eve, on a long ass bridge. I wish I hadda gotten rear-ended at this point. I wanted to drive it over the side of the bridge, but it wouldn’t move. After yet another near death experience on a fast paced highway, going less than 40 mph - the car was toast. Luckily, the warranty covered much of the damage, but over $6,000 worth of work went into rebuilding the engine and piecing the car back together. It took over 3 weeks to get my car back because of Christmas and New Years. Hey, timing isn’t always my strong point!

You think it would end there. It still doesn’t. The VW shop my car was fixed at was over an hour from my house. When I got the car back, it was pouring oil. The VW Dealership said they’d fix it, so I brought it down. They fixed it long enough to look good, but when I got home, it was worse than the before. They said I had an aftermarket plug and that it had stripped my threads in the oil pan. The offered to pay labor, but refused to pay for a new oil pan. They were the ones who had been working on it, but they still wanted me to pay $350 for a new oil pan. I ended up getting one from a junk yard and having a friend help me replace it. We fixed the oil pan, but found that the anti-freeze was now leaking from several hoses. Let me remind you, this was Volkswagen working on my car. So, while we were under the car, the unimaginable happened. We found that one of the two major bolts that hold the front and back of the car together to be missing. Had I gotten in an accident, my car would have imploded in on itself. I can’t really explain it, but there are two of these bolts under the car, and they are the biggest ones there. The one that was remaining was loose enough to remove with my bare hands. They were the “impact bolts” the VW Manager said… and he also said his team did not remove them when fixing my engine. He said no maintenance was ever done on my vehicle that would warrant removing those bolts. He said it was a serious problem that they were missing. We did what we could from the local hardware store, getting a bolt that fit. NO ONE would take ownership for this, and I was just supposed to consider myself lucky for not getting in an accident. So, I had to schedule an appointment to get my Anti Freeze tubes fixed… but VW said they didn’t want to take ownership of that either.

I spent the next few weeks still trying to unload the car - trying to get more than $4,000 for it. No luck. Finally, I’m driving down the road and I feel a major flutter under my brake pedal. It happened several times. I brought my car into Just Brakes and they diagnosed my car as having irregular brake pads on the right side and needing an entire brake job. They also said that my brake pads were sticking to my rotors, and needed to have $350 worth of brake work done. It felt pretty serious, so I went ahead with it.

I got the car back and it happened again later that day. After further diagnosis, it wasn’t that I needed a $350 brake job, it’s that my Anti Lock Brakes system went haywire, and was kicking in randomly for no reason. I was also told that my suspension on both the front and back right tire were “effed up”. I was screwed. This was bound to cost me thousands of more dollars…

So I took my loss. I went to Nissan and bought myself a 2008 Nissan Frontier Club Cab. My payments are nearly $150 more than before - but I don’t care. I don’t care about gas prices rising… I don’t care about anything other than that I had gotten rid of that shit box.

Now, I own this:

So - the moral of the story is this: No matter how good technology is… the tools you have at your disposal… the expensive machines and high paid mechanics….

No matter where you go, it’s impossible to find good honest workers. Think of that the next time you’re working at your job. The next time you think it’s ok to side-step an important task… the next time you say “I hate this job, I’m not doing that”… we all find reasons to hate our job, but when you suck at what you do, it can affect others as well. Earn your fucking money. Otherwise you may just get someone killed.

Just for my boy, relevent Penn and Teller to pass the time

Posted by Jonny 1Note on Apr 23, 2008

Day One: I’m So Full Of Shit

Posted by DJ Doomsday on Apr 21, 2008

I’m 27 years old. Every guy on my Dad’s side of the family was super skinny until their late twenties, and then they got massive guts. The only difference between me and them is that they worked active jobs which involved lifting, carrying, and you know, working. I am either behind a desk or behind the wheel of a car all day. It should come as no surprise that I’ve seen a dramatic decrease in my health as of late.

So I decided I need a shock to the system. I was hanging out on set with a Vegan who was telling me how much a plant based diet had changed his life. He also told me that he does a cleanse the first two weeks of every year. The Master Cleanse.

There are a lot of celebrities doing this diet to lose weight, but some people actually gain weight on the diet. I’m not doing it for weight loss. I’m doing it because, apparently, after a lifetime of eating meat and chemicals I’m carrying around litterly pounds of fecal-like mucus in my colon. It’s probably prolapsed and it’s probably teeming with worm-like parasites. So now the shit has officially been scared out of me. I’m doing the cleanse.

Today is Monday, April 21: Day One. Last night I weighed myself (194 pounds) and took two laxative pills. I’m not sure how necessary they were, since I had diarrhea yesterday. Actually, come to think of it, I can’t remember the last time that my movements were regularly solid. One more sign that I’ve seriously fucked up my digestive tract.

So I woke up today, took more laxatives, as my book has detailed for me to do, and started drinking the “lemonade”. It’s 8 ounces of water, 2 tablespoons of fresh squeezed lemon juice, two table spoons of maple syrup, and 1/10 of a teaspoon of cayenne pepper. So what does it taste like? It tastes like a tall glass of cayenne pepper. It’s 3pm and I’ve had four glasses so far. They say you should take 6 to 12.

I’m not sure if I’m hungry or just craving food, but right now it certainly feels like I’m hungry. I don’t feel any different and I still have diarrhea.  I’ll keep you posted.

The Finnish and the Tramps- a tube diary

Posted by Jonny 1Note on Apr 2, 2008

Today I splashed into the world of cyberspace looking for something to take this dreary mind off of my research project and distract it with some pop culture. Being a respected blogger in the blogosphere (Cummings, 2008), I stormed YouTube on a quest to find something to write about. I wondered what would happen if I entered various words into the search bar, maybe even phrases. And thus we begin our journey. First off, I wanted to see what would happen when I typed in “Music Video.” Something awful happened (Madonna, 2004):

I remember seeing this when it originally came out and throwing up a little bit in my mouth. I never saw the thing in its entirety back when it surfaced, a wise move. Here stands Madonna, plastic surgery and desperation, making an attempted comeback (which I believe it was at the time). Her music is minimal at best, and seems to be shielded by brief moments of comedy featuring Ali G and a cartoon version of herself. Even more wonderful is her visit to a strip club, showing that even old ladies know how to have a good time too. Thank you Madonna, your presence here on this planet gives hope to millions of women everywhere.

As an added bonus, I was wondering what recent news one might unveil on our singer. It was pretty normal:

Madonna: ‘Sex With Guy Is Incredible’ (FoxNoise.com, 2008)

Next YouTube stop- Bad Music.

I was really hoping for something funny here. Didn’t happen. But I did find a halfway decent band that is a progression from alternative music of the 90’s. They sort of remind me of a softer version of Linkin Park. Their name is Sunrise Avenue and yes, they are from Finland. FINLAND!

Not much really comes from Finland that you hear about nowadays, so I went to the Finland website to find out what was going on in that country. What I found was that people from Finland are either very bored, or playing a trick on us to see if anyone reads their website. Here’s a list of sporting events being held there:

1.) Wife-carrying 2.) Mobile-phone throwing 3.) Sauna bathing contest 4.) Air guitar playing - as well as:

• Mosquito swatting (Lapland is prime country)
• Milking stool throwing (farms up and down Finland)
• Table drumming (bars and restaurants)
• Sitting on an ant’s nest (in any forest you choose)
• Team berry picking (Suomussalmi, eastern Finland)
• Kick-sledding competition (Ylläs, Lapland)

(Fins, 2008)

Next Stop: RedTube

Now, I know that RedTube and YouTube are completely different, but they are both tube sites, so I figured I’d give it a try. First, music video. I was sad to see that I gleaned zero results. Next, bad music. Again, nothing. Being in tune with a wide variety of music titles, I was really excited to test out Stacy’s Mom, and after trying Stacie’s Mom was about to give up. BUT WAIT… Would “music” simply work? It sure did. One result. “Crazy Amateur Music Orgy.” There was a significant amount of bumping and grinding, about what one would expect on the dance floor, but the house music was just terrible and the location was all wrong. My professional advice would be to keep this music amateur, let it stay in the realm of pornography and clubs from the 90’s. Since I’m not sure if I’m allowed to embed a video with this kind of content, feel free to test it out yourself (RedTube, 2008). Or if you’d like, I cited it nicely for you in the reference section.

References

Cummings, D. (2008) The best bloody bloggers I know. Up Yours Quarterly, 13(3), 2-309.

Fins. (2008).

Retrieved April 2, 2008, from the World Wide Web:

http://www.visitfinland.com

Fox Noise. (we hate the news and happiness).

Retrieved April 2, 2008, from the World Wide Web:

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,345168,00.html

RedTube. Crazy Amateur Music Orgy.

Retrieved April 2, 2008, from the World Wide Web:

http://www.redtube.com/6729

Richie, M. (2004). I’m not sure how to cite a video, and really, who gives a shit.

Who Wants to Live Forever?

Posted by DJ Doomsday on Apr 1, 2008

For me, it began with the TV Show. In between the syndication giants of 2:00am - Renegade and Forever Knight - I met a man who would influence everything about the way I write a hero. He was over 400 years old. He fought his enemies with a sword. He could not die.

He was Duncan MacLeod, of the Clan MacLeod. He was the Highlander.

And he sent me off to the video store in search of more. What I found were three movies that did not contain Duncan, which was a great disappointment. But when I met his Clansman, Connor MacLeod, I did not mourn the loss. For it was Connor who came first in the 1986 movie of the same name. This movie and the TV show where the most brilliant flukes in the history of entertainment.

And yes, I call them flukes, because today I watched Highlander: The Source and realized that there is no entertainment value left in this franchise. Only misery, pain, despair and embarrassment for everyone who was involved in the originals.

The first film was about Immortals who walked the Earth and fought over the power contained within each of them that could only be taken when their heads were cut off. It starred Christopher Lambert, Sean Connery and Clancy Brown. The film is not without it’s problems, but it shined like a pristine diamond among the shit hole of 80s sci fi/fantasy. It shined because it was more than just a great movie with a compelling storyline, developed characters and stylized shooting. It was a world. A world with rules, mystery, and possibilities. It was a world I wanted to be in.

And then they made Highlander 2: The Quickening. Fuck the rules. Fuck the mystery. Fuck the world. Everything you believed in the first movie was a lie. Now we are aliens. Deal with it.

Believe it or not this philosophy of film making actually yielded a shitty ass movie. Surprised? I’ve seen documentaries about how the investors took the movie away from the director and ruined it and seen re-cuts where they tried to save it. Nope. Sorry. There isn’t a watchable, redeemable moment in any version of the film. Even if it is not the movie they set out to make they definitly didn’t set out to make a good movie.

But the first movie was so fucking good that people didn’t want it to end there. So they made the TV show and set it somewhere before the end of the first movie. So here we are, back in the world, and we have a great hero, great characters, and great story lines. Fantastic. Lightning had struck twice. Surely a franchise that has produced 2 successes out of 3 must have some good in its future, right?

Next came Highlander III: The Sorcerer. How do you make a good sequel when your last movie fucked up the whole storyline? You don’t. You pretend that the second movie didn’t happen. Even though Quickening makes you think that everything from the previous film was a lie, this is the first film in the series that blatantly disregards the existence of a previous film. Oh, and by the way, it was shitty.

And that seemed to put a nail in the coffin of Highlander movies for a while, but the TV show went strong for many seasons, and some believed that it eclipsed the original. Some film maker actually believed it should eclipse the original in a very real sense. And so after the series went off the air they decided to wrap it up with Highlander: End Game, a movie starring both Duncan and Connor. I don’t want to drop any big spoilers here, but lets just say that if the concept of the series was that it was set before the original movie, than the ending of End Game makes the first movie impossible. Oh, and here is a fun fact: End Game is the only movie in the series where the Game doesn’t end. Nice title, fuck face.

So, at this point I’m in college, and I’ve just watched the third Highlander sequel to shoot the franchise in the face by fucking up continuity yet again. You must think I was ready to throw in the towel by now, right? No. I wasn’t. Why? Because original was THAT FUCKING GOOD. The show was THAT FUCKING GOOD. I wanted more. Mostly I wanted a sequel that would save the franchise.

So for years I have been watching for updates on Highlander: The Source online. At first glance it seemed promising. Duncan MacLeod was back in a storyline that seemed like it wouldn’t conflict with End Game. That would, at least, make it the first film to respect the continuity of the previous one. And it promised the search for “The Source” which would somehow explain how immortals came to be. This seemed like a great idea, but in retrospect I realize that it was this goal that made Quickening as shitty as it was. But after years of checking the web I came to the conclusion that this film was never going to happen and I gave up.

Until today. I was in Target and I saw it sitting on the shelf. “What the fuck is this doing here?” I thought. The lack of a theatrical release made me a bit worried. The fact that the straight to DVD release had completely and utterly flown under my radar made me even more worried.

But I bought it. I just paid $19.99 to see the worst movie I’ve ever seen. Yes, the worst. There have been movies made with less skill, movies that didn’t make as much sense, and that were more boring. But never before has a film taken something so beautiful and ground it into the ground so fully. This film was a terrorist act against the fans that stood by this franchise through all the shitty sequels.

Thinking about this movie makes me angry, but you deserve a few reasons, so I will tell you. The script is bad. The story is shit, the characters are a joke (even Duncan), and the dialog is trash. The acting is miserable. Actors who made my cry during the TV show were unwatchable in this film. The action sequences were a mess of digital special effects done so badly… no, I can’t find a comparison. They were far and away the worst digital effects of all time.

Since I was in high school I wanted a sequel that could tie everything together. Something that would make sense so that I could say, “The Highlander world is a real place in my imagination and now it all makes sense.” What this film made me realize is that the series is dead. It died after the first film and was resurrected for the TV show only to die again afterwards. All I can hope is that my $19.99 will not help encourage another film in this series.

It’s really kind of complicated… (part 3)

Posted by Earl on Mar 17, 2008

Read Part 1 here
Read Part 2 here

So there I was… walking around the lot looking for that perfect car. CarMax.com had listed a few vehicles that had caught my attention, and I was destined to buy a car this day. I was all by myself, but that was ok because CarMax had the guarantees. There was no haggling prices and there was a gurarantee that the car I was going to be buying had passed all the ‘rigorous’ safety checks. There it was… the Mini Cooper. Cherry Red… Racing Stripe down the side… no options on the inside. I test drove it anyways. I loved it, but hell, I already knew I would. It wasn’t to my customization, but I was impressed none-the-less. The price tag was $23,000 for a car that already had 50,000 miles on it. I was forced to continue walking around the lot to find my perfect car… my eyes gazing from left to right. There were so many cars to choose from. Expensive, cheap, white, black, big, and small. The selection was phenomenal. Chrysler Lebaron, again cherry red, this time a convertible. “Lets test this one.” I said. The beady eyed dealer didn’t hesitate. We jumped in the car and we were off. It was smooth and a very nice ride. “So, tell me… why are there so many of these cars on the lot out there?” I asked him. “Well, the resell value isn’t what it used to be for Chrysler. They are great cars… you’ll love it.” He said back. Then I remembered, my friend JaRod hated Chrysler, and he told me often about how I’d be crazy to ever buy one. I quickly put 2 and 2 together and said… lots of cars on lot, beady eyed car salesman… nope, this wasn’t the car for me.

Now let me stop right here. I am no car person. Usually, I make much better financial decisions than this. Usually I try to get the upper hand, but for some reason, I hate buying cars. I am not really the kind of guy who really creams over a car. I see people driving these huge trucks, hummers, sports cars, motorcycles, etc… nothing really impresses me. I mean, I drive a lot so I want a comfy reliable ride. That’s all I really care about. A ding or scratch doesn’t bother me as much as the alignment being off. Most car salesmen want to push you to get a car you don’t need or want because they have to turn their inventory. Every minute a car sits stale on a lot, the salesmen consider that lost money. It’s really a shame.

So the jerk walks me past this Volkswagen Jetta. 2002. Turbo Engine. Not a ding on it. The leather interior shined to perfection. The dashboard was glistening in the sun. My heart skipped a beat. “This one, lets try this one.” I said to him. He got the keys and we were of, driving on the crowded streets of North Tampa.

The car handled so well, and I’ll never forget the feeling of being behind the wheel for the first time. It almost felt as sturdy as the Mini Cooper. It was a smaller car, and from what I could see, it was in great condition. I was sold. They offered me nearly a thousand dollars for my trade in, and I loved the feeling of being behind the wheel. With the guarantee that CarMax offered, I figured it would all be ok. So I bought the car.

Now the story really begins. I’ll use bullets to simplify the issues. Now remember, not all of the issues listed here are CarMax’s fault. The car is cursed… but that doesn’t take away from the fact that it was a lemon.

• Week 1, my right rear door actuator goes out meaning I cannot use the power lock button to open the back door.
  • I bring it in, and they fix it - no problem.
• Week 1, my fiance throws up in the front seat. I clean it up, its gross, but not the end of the world.
• Week 2, I bring my car to the car wash for its first cleaning. The rollers used in the car wash have rocks in them, chipping the paint from front to back, and also cracking my windshield.
  • I have to file a claim against the gas station who reluctantly agrees to pay for the damages.
• Month 2, the building where I work decides to paint the AC Unit on the roof a tan color…. industrial paint soars because of a gust of wind, hitting a few of the cars in the parking lot, including my Jetta.
• Month 2, my engine light comes on. I don’t remember the engine code, but it was an “either - or” type situation. Either the water pump needed to be replaced, or I needed to replace a 3 dollar valve.
  • I buy the valve and ask opinions from co-workers before attempting myself.
  • Friend looks in my engine and says “Dude, why is there electrical tape on your break line?
  • I replace the part myself, no problem. To do so, I had to remove the engine cover.
  • After replacing the part, something catches my eye. A rubber tube is completely disgustingly eroded and not connected because of corrosion.
  • Further investigation shows me that it is not connected at both ends, and that the problem is much worse than first thought. This turns out to be my emissions tubing, and there had obviously been work done on this before. Enough work to break a 3 way valve that attached at the base. So I take the parts out and put them in a bag. I am so afraid to drive my car because there is obviously a serious problem.
  • I call CarMax and they say that it should be fine to drive and they scheduled an appointment for 2 days away.
  • That night, it rains. Hard.
  • I go to get into my car for work the day before its supposed to go into the shop, and im drenched on the way to the car, but even worse… when I get inside, the ceiling is dripping and the floor has about 2 inches of water in it. My Sunroof was leaking bad.
  • My radio, which isnt wet, is now randomly displaying all zeros.
• The level of anger that boiled through my blood at this point was beyond description.
• Upon delivery of car +pieces, CarMax tells me (referring to the break line and the disconnected tubes) “You had to have done this to your car. We wouldn’t have let this go through the 125 point inspection.
  • Yeah, seriously. Thats what the manager said.
  • I wanted to see what work had been done on my car before I bought it, and they would not let me.
  • I told the manager that I’d have to get a lawyer because this is how the car was sold to me. To avoid any hassle, the guy says “Oh, we’ll take care of it for free, but we want you to know that we wouldn’t have given you the car in this shape.” What kinda fuck you is that? I hadn’t touched my car, and now I was pretty sure that they didn’t either. The inspection should have caught this, but it would have required that they remove the engine cover to see it… I guess I shoulda brought my screwdriver to the car lot when I bought the car.
  • I also wanted the water cleaned out of my car, the sunroof drains de-clogged, the carpets shampooed, and the radio fixed… oh, and what about the brake line?
  • He laughed at me about the brake line… said that there’s no way he woulda given it to me and mockingly said “You’ve had this car how long?”
  • The day after they have my car in the shop, I get a call.
    • “Your car will be done in a few days… but the radio needs to be fixed by the manufacturer (Mexico). They wont have it for a week or two, so you’ll have your car back without a radio in the dash… or you can just take the radio as is…” WTF?!? FIX THE THING OR REPLACE IT.
  • So they send it off to be fixed, all the while I am waiting on my car to come back. When it does, it smells like cat piss. They didn’t clean the water at all, the carpet was dark and dingy… the floor mats needed to be thrown out… but the emissions system was fixed and the brakes were fixed… so I figured I’d clean the carpets myself. But wait… we’re the breaks really fixed?
• I’ll take some blame here. I should have done something about this sooner. A week, week and a half later… I get in my car and go to back out of my parking spot… only as I tried to apply the brakes to stop myself, I only slow down. I neglected to do anything about it hoping it is just my imagination. Every so often I noticed that my breaks just didn’t feel “right”. There was something about them that always seemed to make me uneasy, which brings me to… a busy highway journey to the airport.
  • It’s 6am and I’m groggy, driving my roommate to the airport. There is a helluva lot of traffic, but I’m trucking along, doing my civic duty of watching the traffic around me, following the speed limit, merging with traffic and woah… wait a second! That’s a Ford Excursion trying to merge into my lane. He’s trying to run me off the road! I’m breaking, he’s breaking - he’s trying to kill me! Suddenly, I realize that he wasn’t trying to run me off the road… I had no breaks. For about 6 seconds, I had no breaks at all. There was no pressure in the line. Quickly, I pumped the breaks thinking it was the only chance I had… and boom… Tough Actin’ Tinactin… it worked. Barely. I almost hit the wall. My roommate was pissed and so was I. I mean, I just had my breaks fixed a few weeks prior - now I’m freaking out.
  • When I got to the airport, I checked inside my engine. With the engine running, there was an intense hissing noise. I checked my break line and was completely surprised. It was obvious what the problem was. When they repaired my break line, they took a brand new plastic tubing and shoved it into an old, cracked connecting tube. There was a crack in the break line about 5 inches long, so there was literally no pressure for my breaks when going high speeds. With a nudge, I pushed the new tube down into the cracked tube so that there was a tighter fit. The hissing went away for now and I was able to take the back roads home.
    • The manager, Ted, at CarMax blatantly told me of his skepticism. He said that this sounded very much like I was doing something to my car, and that his guys would ‘never do a job like this’. I told him I was going to be contacting a lawyer, and he firmly agreed that he would fix it for free, yet again. I advised him that I did not want his mechanics touching my car ever again. This time, it was to be done by VW themselves. He said that was OK. So, my car went to the shop one more time. (Note: I asked about my radio, and they said they did not have it in yet. They said that it was being repaired in a shop in Mexico, and that it was out of their hands. What was originally 1-2 weeks was now 1-2 months. I eventually got it back after I believe 3 full months of it missing.)
• After another week in the shop, I finally got my car back. I decided to head down to CarMax one last time to give them a shot at redeeming themselves.
  • After dicussing my situation with the general manager of the location here in Tampa, FL - he said that CarMax would be more than willing to give me a very competitive price for my car so that I could get out of the mess that I was in. I’ll save you all the suspense. The guy lied to me. It was total Bull Shit!
  • They took my car to “check it out” and all the while proceeded to explain to me that due to the 6 months I had it, it declined steadily in value. Once they got the assessment of the car, they then told me that they had a great offer. $11,000. What!? $11,000? After everything that had gone wrong with my car, all the failures that they produced… let alone the ones they forgot to fix before they gave me the car in the first place, and they wanted to offer me $11,000 on a car I still owed $17,000 for. They were asking me to take a huge loss on top of the loss I had already incurred. I was completely beside myself. For about 2 hours, these guys battled back and forth with me trying to convince me that this was a great deal! They tried to explain “depreciation” and “standard wear and tear” and failed to mention “we’re sorry for any undue stress this purchase has caused you”. I called them out, telling them that they would re-package this car, put it right back out there on a different lot for the same price I paid for it - earning double the profit. I understand business, and they didn’t like that. They upped their offer. “If you buy a car from this lot, we’ll give you a $1,000 credit.” At this point, I was floored. I had no desire to take a huge loss, and on top of that, risk getting another car while diving head first at a negative $5,000 balance. I know there are risks when buying used cars, but when a major business (Top 500 Best Place to work) has a guarantee, it should be illegal to fail to commit to that guarantee. Hands down.
  • As you would expect, I declined the offer. Some may call me crazy… and at the time, I thought “what else could go wrong?”. I took my chances and continued on with my day. CarMax gave me back my car after looking it over, and me and my friends decided to head towards Orlando to check out “Medieval Knights”, the dinner theater seen in “The Cable Guy”.
• I-4 was packed heading towards Orlando. The dinner started at 8pm, and because of the few hours we had spent arguing at CarMax, we were on a strict time line. Concerned about making it to Orlando on time, I decided to begin joking around with my two friends who were in the car with me.
  • “Hey, think I should rear-end that Bently?” I said…
    • BAM! (For a split second, it felt like I had hit a wall)
  • “What the fuck was…”
    • BAM AGAIN!
  • I looked ahead, and the Bently was fine. It was at least 3 car lengths ahead of me so it couldn’t have bee…
    • BAM AGAIN and AGAIN and AGAIN
  • Every time I applied the breaks, my car acted as though I hit the break pedal with full force. A quick hissing noise was also present each time. I couldn’t slow down to pull over and I didn’t want to speed up for fear of not being able to stop. I coasted to the next exit, bared through the bumpy, very rocky, scary moments of my car bucking like a bronco, and pulled into the closest gas station.
    • I called a friend who works on cars, and he was able to swing by about an hour later. With everything that had happened, he considered that it was air in the break lines. We bled the brake lines completely right there in the parking lot of the gas station… what a mess. I was so pissed. I had left from CarMax, who had just “looked” at my car… and now this? I still to this day believe that there was some type of sabotage that happened to my car. When those mechanics at CarMax saw my car come back one more time, someone had to have done something.
    • I got my car home with the help of my friend. I was fuming mad, and with good reason. It was already too late, so I had to wait until the following day to call CarMax and flip the F out.
    • I asked to speak with the manager right off the bat. I quickly and angrily explained my situation. I advised the management that they should re-think their decision to low-ball me with the offer, advised them that I was going to be contacting a lawyer, and also advised them that I was going to be contacting VW to have them fix the problem with my car.
      • Here is the gist of the conversation I had with the GM of CarMax Tampa.
        • “This is Kevin Lane… I spoke with you yesterday.”
        • “Yeah, did you re-consider our offer?”
        • “No, in fact, something happened to my car while it was being checked out. One of your mechanics did something to my breaks… last night right after I left your establishment, my car’s breaks started freaking out, acting as if I had applied full pressure when all I was doing was tapping them. Something is really wrong with my car. I’d like to have my car towed to the nearest VW so that they can fix this. I’d like you to reconsider your offer. This car should not have been sold to me, and I am furious.”
        • “Don’t worry Mr. Lane. Go ahead and bring your car down here and we’ll have a look at it.”
        • “No, you must have misunderstood me. I told you my breaks are messed up and I want you to tow my car to the nearest Volkswagen shop.”
        • “Well, tow it on down here and I’ll test it out… I’m not afraid.”(Actual words used by the GM)
        • “You’re not afraid? You’re speaking as if I am a wimp for not wanting to drive my car, the one with bad brakes, 30+ miles to your location.”
        • “Ok, Ok… I’ll get a tow truck out there in a few hours. We’ll get it down here and I’ll check it out before sending it over to VW.”
        • “I do not want your mechanics touching my car.”
        • “Ill look at it personally and get it right over to VW.”
  • Well, two out of 3 ain’t bad… but I didn’t get that. In fact, I got 1/3 out of 3. Two different Lawyers told me I had no case. Because CarMax consistently offered to fix the problems at no cost to me, and I was never injured, there was nothing that I could sue for. The cost of lawyers fees alone would be far greater than the loss I was to have to take. And, since they don’t count the time away from my vehicle, the interest my car accrues on the loan each day, the inconvenience, or even the gas from point my place to the dealership as “cost” that they should have to eat, I was Shit Outta Luck. The lawyer gave me one option, but it could have come back to bite me big time. They said that I could file a lawsuit for attempted manslaughter if I truly thought they were trying to kill me. As much as I did think a mechanic there did something to my car, proving it would be impossible. Losing the lawsuit would mean they could counter-sue me, and I’d end up paying out the ass. So, the Lawyers told me “too bad so sad”
  • The dealership told me flat out “No”. They wouldn’t increase their offer, and they once again threw skepticism at me, telling me that they had nothing to do with my car acting the way it did. They were insanely rude. Ya know, looking back, if I were in their shoes, they oughta act as if they didn’t believe what I was saying. If they admitted guilt, or admitted they had horrible employees behind the walls of the establishment, it’d say something about what kind of operation they have going on… but instead, they denied it all. Honesty, Integrity, Customer Service… these things really don’t matter. It’s the bottom line. The money. Of course, that’s why we all work.
  • As you read earlier, I told CarMax not to touch my car. At this point, I was so sick of dealing with CarMax, I was about to have a conniption fit. The tow truck came, my car was gone about a week… and when I got it back, you’d be surprised to find what I found.
    • Whoever initially looked at my car obviously didn’t have the proper tools to work on my vehicle. You see, VW is a European car, which uses the Metric system. The plastic pieces of paneling on my drivers side floor caught my attention. Upon further review, I realized they must have used pliers to remove the screws of the paneling below the steering wheel, right in front of the knees. There are 3 screws, and all three were broken. Here’s a picture:
      
    • Hmmm… ok kids, lets play a game. You have 2 choices. Here’s the question. Who is more likely to not have the proper tools to fix a Volkswagen? Is it A.) CarMax or B.) Volkswagen?
    • Again, they took no ownership of this. CarMax proclaimed that they did not touch my car, and VW said they wouldn’t have done that at all. CarMax again said they would fix it, but at this point, I wasn’t about to give them my car again ANOTHER time.
    • So the problem with my brakes? The Brake Booster had failed. I guess (remember, I’m no mechanic) it assists the brakes in determining how much pressure to apply. It went haywire for no reason, and since it could not determine how much pressure I was putting on the brakes, it decided to assist with full force each time I touched the brakes. Once the brakes engaged, it re-registered the pressure and let off immediately.

So, another half-assed job, and another headache. I figured it was time to get rid of it on my own, so I ventured out to the land of Car Dealerships. It was a few days here and there in November, looking for Year End sales and Steals… hoping to get that much needed luck. I would have never thought it could get worse… but it does.

Stay tuned for part 4.

College Humor

Posted by Jonny 1Note on Mar 17, 2008

My money is being wasted on college in so many ways. WASTED ON COLLEGE. I never thought I would be saying those words, but I am. This is not an uncommon idea. I’m sure the rest of you who have gone to college and or graduate school have come to this realization as well, that your money was wasted in order to obtain a piece of shiny paper for you wall to consume.

What’s that you say? No? You think that every cent spent on your degree was worth it? That you were getting the exact worth of your dollar in learning? I see. Well, you are probably an asshole and need to pay more attention to things.

In my first college rant, I’d like to address the nation-wide issue of professors, or lack thereof. I take several classes for my teaching certification in NY, as well as my graduate degree (it’s kind of like a double major), and the majority of my classes are being taught by adjunct professors or graduate students who have never themselves taken classes in teaching. This is one of the quick solutions to budget cuts, salary hikes for business-end positions and misspent funds. These so called educators are often only one-step ahead of the class, and cannot answer questions that require experience. I myself am being paid peanuts to help teach an undergraduate class in a subject I barely know little about. How is that worth $1000.00 a credit to those students under me? IF EXPERIENCE IS GONE FROM TEACHING, WHAT ARE STUDENTS LEARNING FROM THESE TEACHERS THAT CAN’T BE FOUND IN SIMPLY PURCHASING THE BOOK AND READING IT FOR THEMSELVES?

As a musician, I learn more playing out with my friends than I do from any class I have taken in music. I would consider myself an average drummer, with four gigs now under my belt. I grabbed hold of my balls, set them out in front of an audience, and allowed the crowd to judge the size of them, and because of this, I can now play drums fairly well. No lessons, no one standing over me. Just me and my balls. I’m a more confident musician because as a drummer I can sit down with other musicians, without music, and play. And isn’t that the point of music? Playing music for other people to enjoy?

“But wait,” you say, “you’ve been playing your entire life. Of course you don’t need a teacher to help you.” Quite simply, this is Bullshit. My little brother wanted to play drums. I told him to buy a set. He did. I told him to listen to his favorite songs and try and emulate them. He did. That little fucker could get through a number up on stage after playing drums for a week. The concept of the teacher is completely perverted. A teacher is there to help you learn on your own, not to pour information into your brain as if they themselves were the Font of Knowledge itself.

Of course, this can be said for many degrees out there: you want to be a writer? How about you go read and write. You think that you’re mystically going to become a better writer because you took a class on creative writing at your college? You want to be a musician? Go listen and play. Actor? Watch and act. Businessman? Observe and recreate- test out your ideas. Why on earth do we need to spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on a piece of paper? College has mostly turned into a middle man between us and our dreams, a giant void, a great hoop to jump through that also happens to rape us as we pass.

Lost and Found

Posted by DJ Doomsday on Mar 3, 2008

So there I was, lying in bed, naked, with a super hot girl. Not just hot, but cute. The nerdy kind of cute. It was blissful. We were talking about Ed Wood, the Tim Burton movie that I had just recently watched at her suggestion and how much we love bad movies. She says, “Have you ever heard of a movie called The Lost Skeleton of Cadavera? That’s a really funny movie.”

I nearly hop out of bed to point to a poster I had hanging on the wall for a movie called Trail of the Screaming Forehead. “Do I know that movie, are you kidding? I just worked on Forehead, which is by the same people.” She was so smitten that if she wasn’t already naked I think I totally could have gotten into her pants.

But she wasn’t the only one, I found out that quite a few people have seen this movie and love it. In fact I can’t really think of anyone who I know who has anything bad to say about it. The movie is so self deprecating that it kinda beats you to the punch on any negativity you might have.

Lost Skeleton is a 2001 movie starring and directed by Larry Blamire. It’s a parody of bad 1950’s sci fi films, but it stands out for two important reasons. The first is Blamire’s uniquely funny style of writing. The second is the fact that this film defies all conventions of modern cinema. It’s in black and white, uses only practical special effects (i.e. no CGI), and in fact, there is really nothing in the film that gives away when it was shot. To the uneducated eye its feasible to mistake it for an actual film from the era.

So, the long and short is that you should go rent it right away and see it. It’s really endearing and, best of all, rated G. I’m not a huge fan of G rated movies, being that I’m a demented pervert, but every once and a while it’s nice to pretend I’m a member of decent society.

I wish I could tell you to go see Trail of the Screaming Forehead as well, but sadly its not out yet. There have been a few screenings but it is still being tweaked for mass consumption. This film is a send up of 60’s sci-fi films. It’s also directed by and starring Blamire and the original cast of Skeleton and offers the same kind of authentically period comedy. The only differences are that it’s in color and it’s even funnier.

I would recommend both of these movies on entertainment value alone despite any personal biases, but let me tell you, I’m definitly extremely biased. Working with these people was the most fun I’ve ever had on set. The film makers, actors, and crew are the nicest I’ve ever seen. Period. Doing Forehead made movie making fun again for me in a way it hadn’t been in a very long time. If you’ve ever seen a documentary on the making of Casablanca you know that it was made during a time when the studios would make a movie every week. Casablanca was just one of 52 they made that year. You have to wonder, did they know? Did they know it would be a classic, that it would inspire people, that it would change cinema? I’ve worked on multi-million dollar movies and TV shows. A few have been good. One or two have been great. But Forehead was the only movie that, while I was working on it, I thought, “This is a movie people are going to love. People will buy this and quote this and tell their friends about it.” And all on a shoe string budget.

Without sounding too much like a slobbering fan boy, Larry Blamire is what I want to be. He’s a talented writer/director/actor who is making the kinds of movies he wants to make on a very, very small budget. He’s paying tribute to a genre that anyone can tell he deeply loves, and most of all he’s a genuinely nice guy while he’s doing it. He’s also married to Jennifer Blair (Animala in Skeleton), which is motivation enough for most men.

So go see the Lost Skeleton of Cadavera right now, if only just to make sure you are caught up. We start filming on Skeleton II tomorrow.

Danny Carey

Posted by Jonny 1Note on Feb 19, 2008

SO, in an attempt to continue and piss off the uptight, far too comfortable world of music education, I’ve decided to bite the bullet and invest in a drum set. Here’s my thinking in a nutshell:

A.) Lets say a group of kids enter 4th grade, the usual time that students begin chorus or band. Some of these kids will be persuaded by their parents or friends to take up a certain instrument. Some don’t need persuading, they’re excited about playing the trumpet or clarinet. And some aren’t just excited about playing, they’re REALLY EXCITED about playing… playing guitar, or bass, or set. What happens to these kids?

B.) What happens is simple. Playing in a different genre other than band is looked down upon, usually because “music educators” feel modern music to be inferior, and most “music educators” can’t play guitar or drum set (they lack a certain something… oh yes. balls). We will tell these kids that even though they want to learn about music, they CAN’T. Fit into the mold, or forfeit. Anyone else see a problem with this? I mean, to say that these particular instruments aren’t important, and that we as teachers aren’t educated enough to teach them is a sorry example of how pathetically behind we are in music education.

C.) Therefore, I have taken it on as my duty to the public to better educate myself on set. I’ve actually joined two separate bands as a drummer, and am currently looking online to purchase a set of my own.

As always, if someone wants to learn how to play a musical instrument they need to look for a model. Hence the title of this post- Danny Carey (from Tool). Can you say mixed meter? Very good, now go put a sticker up on the board.

Damien and Lisa make it work

Posted by Jonny 1Note on Feb 11, 2008

Here’s an artist I recently came across that proves quality of voice isn’t everything. Damien Rice ascribes to a long list before him: names like whining Billy Corgan, raspy please find the pitch Bob Dylan, guttural but we love you Tom Waits. All of these men found a way to make it work (all of these men are also a testament to substance abuse).

Rice seems make it work within a niche of soft guitar, softer vocals, cello and somewhat limited percussion. His guitar playing won’t land him a job playing lead in a rock band, but it does contain a pulsing rhythmic quality that easily hooks the listener. Harmonically, he’s a little more complex than your average alternative group (he likes his five of five chords and knows how to change it up in the bridge, little things that separate him from the droll of more popular harmony). The lyrics tend to be more introspective, but not so much that we lose focus completely. Add the fact that Damien has an Irish accent and is a handsome guy. The women love him, and the men want to BE him. Here’s an example of Damien playing live at Abbey Road.

The major knock on Damien Rice is the perception that the man can’t sing. I don’t buy that. Does he have a nasal quality at times? Sure. Is he concerned about being polished while singing? No, and in fact, it’s obvious that he’s not afraid to go out on a limb, singing falsetto when he needs to, completely unabashed. Look, just because a male vocalist would rather sing softly as opposed to screaming doesn’t mean he’s lame. The largest group of opponents that Rice faces are young men who either find men singing about love “gay,” or are just pissed because their girlfriends find Rice “sensitive.” Check out comments on YouTube for verification if you’d like. I’m not saying that Rice doesn’t have moments that sound more whiny then others (i.e. Elephant), but to say he can’t sing? Give me a break.

I personally would like to make it work with his backup singer, who happens to take an unusually large roll in his music. Lisa Hannigan, as beautiful as she may be, has an even deadlier quality: she haunts the background of each song, quickly possessing you with her simplistic sound. Her voice is not trumped up with turns or trills or gliss. Like Rice, she relies on a softer vocal touch. She sings it straight, and it sounds beautiful. Unlike other female vocalists of our time, she does not turn to glitz and glamor to leave a lasting impression, holding onto a quality that seems to make her more tangible, more human.

Everyone seems to know this song. Somebody told me it was in a Shrek movie. The video usually takes those familiar with the tune by surprise.

The pair make a knock-out 1-2 combination, given men and women alike a hot, Irish vocalist to obsess over, with music good enough to stick around for. Unfortunately, since the second album release, “9,” the pair has gone their separate ways. Speculations are that Lisa didn’t get a large enough role in his second album, or perhaps wasn’t receiving enough credit where credit was due. Either way, I think we all might have lost out on that one.